Published: August 3, 2009

How do you talk with your parents about their ability to remain living independently, managing their medication schedules and driving safely? This conversation is often difficult for everyone involved, but where the safety and quality of life of those you love is at stake, ignoring the issue can be dangerous. The good news is that if you plan in advance—before problems arise—those conversations aren't as hard as you may fear. An AARP survey found that most parents feel better about having this kind of discussion when things are going well.

Plan the Conversation


Consider these strategies for getting the conversation started:

1. First, you may try approaching the subject indirectly:
   "John says his dad has given up driving. I wonder how his dad came to that decision."
2. Sometimes, you may need to be more direct, but remain nonconfrontational:
   "Have you thought about where you’d like to live if something happened that prevented you from living alone in your house?  I really want you to be happy.”
3. Watch for openings:
   "Uncle Joe, you mentioned having problems with your eyesight. Does it seem to affect your driving?"
4. Share your own feelings about your parents' changing life:
   "You've always been so independent, Dad. I imagine it's now hard for you to ask for help. Is it?"

Make a List


Consider giving your parents or aging family members a list of your questions or concerns in advance and schedule a time to talk. This lets them think about the kinds of help they may need and prepare for the conversation.

Dealing with Resistance


Some resistance to talking about independence is normal. Experts advise:

• Respect your parents' feelings if they want to avoid a subject. Try another time.
• Push the issue if health or safety is at risk, while recognizing your parents' right to be in charge of their own lives.
• Act firmly, but with compassion, if you decide you cannot avoid intervening.
• Hold a family meeting where everyone discusses concerns and jointly develops a mutually agreeable plan. Make sure your parents feel a sense of involvement and control over their lives.

Focus on Key Points.

Review these important issues so that everyone is clear that while every effort will be made to respect your parents’ wishes, the family may feel it necessary to intervene if safety or quality of life is at risk.

Does your current home still serve you well?

• Can you still manage the stairs? Would making some simple home modification help? Do you have good neighbors? Should you think about living somewhere else?

Are you able to manage daily tasks?

• Do you need help with running the house and doing chores? Yard work? Can you hear a knock at the door or the phone ring? Are you preparing regular meals?

Can you get where you need to go?

• Can you get to religious services, the store and your doctor visits? Is driving at night, in traffic, or in unfamiliar neighborhoods getting more stressful?

What health issues do you have?

• Do you keep a comprehensive list of all of your prescriptions, as well as the dosage and schedule for each? Are you keeping your prescriptions filled and remembering when to take them?

Are your finances in order?

• Would you like to speak with a financial advisor? Are your records in a secure place? Do you need help getting government or pension benefits? Do you want your Social Security deposited directly in the bank? Have you thought about getting extra income from a reverse mortgage? Do you have any bills you can't pay?

Are you using all of your health benefits?

• What kind of health insurance do you have? Has it paid your bills so far? Do you have long-term care insurance? Would you like some help filling out insurance claim forms? Do you have questions about Medicare?

Keep It Positive

Talking to parents and helping them doesn't mean you are "parenting" them. They still deserve your respect, and so be careful not to be condescending.

As long as they are not impaired with Alzheimer's disease or other dementia, your parents have the right to make their own decisions  Even when they make what you think is an unsafe choice, it doesn't necessarily mean that they are no longer capable of living independently. If their choices disturb you, you may need to set your own limits to how involved you can be, so that their decisions don't run your life.

Source: AARP